carlausery

I have been meaning to write this down for a while now, looks like I’m going to do it today. God, I love surprises!!!

This is a description of a dream that I once had. Not an epic “plan for life” kind of dream, but an actual dream that occurred while I was sleeping.  I am a very vivid and regular dreamer, and  I remember most, if not all, of what transpired upon waking. This has not always been a good thing, but most often it has helped me gain insight into my life. And I owe it all to guilt, repression, and late night snacking, without them I would lead a much less active dream life.

As the dream begins, I find myself in a sort of seated position, floating through outer space. Not the cold, atmosphereless outer space that I “know” to be true, but the warm and buoyant outer space of the imagination. Many times during this dream I would be jarred into terror by the realization of what SHOULD have been happening. This fear would be arrested by the gradual acknowledgement of what actually WAS happening. I never had time to dwell on any one thing for long because so much was happening and my attention would be freshly captured by some new element of the dream. (Which at the time I did not know was a dream)!

I love outer space and I used the opportunity of actually being there to examine everything that I’ve always been curious about. It was a wonderful experience. There were beautiful nebula clouds, spiral galaxies, stars, and planets that shimmered like jewels all around me. And there was a sound, not something for an instrument as brutish as the ear, but a sense of potential existing within the brain, a vacuum created by a history of sound. It was a bit like being alone in a concert hall with finely considered acoustics, it “sounded” big and empty, and yet…

I floated comfortably for a time, My head pivoting like lawn sprinkler; greedy to taking it all in.  It is at this moment I notice that I was not alone. In fact, I was nothing like alone! There were hundreds, if not thousands, of us sprinkled about and we were all moving toward the same thing. I turn my head in the direction of our collective movement, and was confronted by a huge star. The sun, I supposed. It was massive and I marveled at the fact that it had taken me so long to see something so huge, so brilliant, and so CLOSE!  Terror returned with a start, and I struggle with flailing, useless motions to reverse my course. I was desperate to move away from the bright, blinding light and heat of that which I knew would consume me. I fought hard to escape the gravitational pull of the flaming orb, but gained no ground. My progress toward its fiery surface remained steady, unaffected by my actions. At length, I gave in and focused on the people around me. They were placid and they gazed unflinching into the very heart of the star.  I calmed myself and began to examine my fate in as much detail as I could.

It was a bluish white light, not yellow like the sun, and it shimmered in a weird, aural way. Panic returned as I realized that the tremendous heat of it would be incinerating me soon. I closed my eyes and braced for the intensity of the pain to come, but relaxed as I slowly realized that I was as comfortable as I had ever been. For whatever reason, there was absolutely no heat radiating from the thing. I opened my eyes and they were immediately filled with a bright, but pleasant light. It was not at all harsh or glaring, but perfectly illuminating. The surface of the star swirled and eddied like a swiftly running river and the color of the star fluctuated in response to this movement. It had such fluidity of movement and this motion I took to be energized from within,as the atmosphere around us was perfectly still.

I freed my gaze from the mesmerizing swirl in front of me and began to look around. My fellows in this journey, with, behind, and in front of me, moved in pace with me, all of us toward the star. There were people of every kind and age. I did not know what was happening to us, I only knew that whatever it was, it was unstoppable and that I was not alone. I looked back toward the star, and began to notice that the people who had been in front of me were disappearing into its surface. Again I felt fear rising, but was too weary to fight. Soon even fear subsided, and I simply awaited my turn to submerge.

My right foot was the first to make contact and I felt a warming tingle radiate up my leg until it had filled my entire body. I felt the fluid movement of the material of the star and sank deeper and deeper into it. Just before I was completely engulfed, I turned for a final look into the universe, and life as I had known it. and I wondered if I would ever see it again, or even want to.

Once inside the star, I was completely immersed in its radiance. I could only see my own body through a kind of pearlescent glow, because the material of the star was too opaque for anything at any greater distance. I began to laugh at how afraid I had been. I closed my eyes and felt the shimmering energy of the star begin to make its way into my being. The feeling was simply indescribable, but I knew that what I was feeling was the dissolution of my physical body. I knew that, on a molecular level, I was being dismantled. I opened my eyes and fear sent a shock wave of pain as I felt my atoms smashing back together. This cannot be right, I thought, and just as I did, I heard a voice that I recognized. “This is exactly what is supposed to happen. Let it happen, it’s why you’re here.” I looked down at my material form and I wondered if I would ever see it again, or even want to. I closed my eyes and whatever was supposed to happen, I must assume, happened.